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X-Admin: email@example.com From: firstname.lastname@example.org (XDangerousDNA) Newsgroups: alt.politics.org.fbi Date: 07 Dec 2003 09:14:42 GMT Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Subject: The Puke of Hazzard County Mime-Version: 1.0 Message-ID: <email@example.com> The Puke of Hazzard County It all came to the surface when Boss Hog was campaigning for sheriff: the hypocrisy, dishonesty, deceit and fake appearances. So shocking to those so steeped in faith, several were sent to the emergency room after suffering from cardiac arrest upon discovering the truth about Boss Hog and his crooked friends who ran the county. Now, Hazzard County was in the friendly neck of the woods. In fact, it was so friendly, if a feller forgot to wave or smile, he'd be the main topic of the next sermon come Sunday mornin'. Folk were proud of their conservative heritage and moral upbringings. â€śMORAL MAJORITYâ€ť? Heavens! 100% were God-fearing, church-goin' Bible thumpers, some still believing the world was FLAT! Matter of fact, the only traffic jam was on Sunday morninâ€™ when the righteous crammed State Road 8 on their way to Fairview Hardshell Baptist Church. Hazzard Countians were upstanding citizens, all right. They proudly flew the American flag all year to show patriotism, wore the cross on their lapels to show spirituality, and hung their guns in their pickup trucks to show devotion to the 2nd Amendment. By God, Hazzard County! So, the campaign took them by surprise when Boss Hog got exposed, not in the â€śexhibitionistâ€ť sense of the word, but just as damaging to his reputation and the countyâ€™s sensibilities. The story is, Boss Hogâ€™s campaign guru came up with a nifty photo-op idea. He cleverly planned to have Mr. Hog slide secretly into a big Thanksgiving Dinner at the Rescue Mission, make his appearance before the religious and downtrodden (as cameras flashed, of course), then exit the hall in grand style. Problem is, the plan was to be accomplished SOOOO secret, Boss Hog was driven in at night with no headlights, and THANKSGIVING â€śDINNERâ€ť had to be served at 6:00 in the morning to accommodate Boss Hog (not the needy nor the ministry). Yeah, thatâ€™s right! THANKSGIVING â€śDINNERâ€ť at 6:00 a.m. Have you ever had a Thanksgiving buffet that early? What would servers reply if you ordered turkey & dressing at 6 a.m.? Wonder of the pilgrims had to light torches for the first Thankgiving fest? NOT! But they had to make the press overlook the pre-dawn timing. It had to look FOR REAL to dupe the majority. Boss Hog's handler, Kurly Drove, paid off the town's newspaper editor to hush up the time of day. Not a factor. And, of course, the turkey wasnâ€™t even finished roasting at 6:00 a.m. How would Mr. Hog arrange to be seen with a turkey if there was none, or at least none that wasn't still raw? Well, Mr. Political Guru, Drove, had that all worked out too. Kurly went down to Aunt Ethel's Pink Flamingo Shop (specializing in plastic decorations) and bought a FAKE PLASTIC turkey which Mr. Boss Hog held while cameras flashed â€” pretending like he was serving the needy. Mr. Hog was just gettin' down to their level. Then heâ€™d shook hands with the poor lost souls, gave a speech like it was the middle of the day, claimed that GOD had told him to come serve Thanksgiving turkey, then headed straight for the back door. On cue. Boss Hog was prompted to even get teary-eyed for the cameras and pretend to really care. A compassionate conservative was he! Yeah, he squeazed out a tear or two; what a good actor! It was an A+ show! But FAKE from the word â€śGO.â€ť Because county voters really knew what was behind Boss Hog's mask â€” a vengeful, mean-spirited little man with a big mouth and a stupid snarly grin. Headlines the next day read: â€śBOSS HOG MAKES SURPRISE VISIT TO RESCUE MISSION FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER.â€ť News reporters intentionally neglected to say what TIME of day Mr. Hog made his grand entry. They failed to report that the sun wasnâ€™t even up â€” yet those poor downtrodden outcasts of society were roused out of bed for what? For ONE reason and ONE reason ONLY: To make the candidate for sheriff look good. There sure was a lot of complaining about PLASTIC TURKEY , though, and FAKE DINNER PLATTERS. Hell, they could have had pancakes and it would have been legit. But that wasn't Boss Hog's style! If it wasn't a LIE, it wouldn't FLY. Plastic doesnâ€™t taste good. Neither do plastic candidates LOOK good. Pretty soon, news spread like wildfire how Boss Hog had tried to dupe Hazzard Countians into believing heâ€™d been REAL courageous and compassionate to make an appearance for â€śTHANKSGIVING DINNERâ€ť at the Rescue Mission. After learning the turkey was PLASTIC, it hit the fan the more. â€śWhat a crock of sh-t!â€ť exclaimed Hazzard folk. â€śHe not only lies all the time, he insults our intelligence by putting on FAKE appearances like we'd never find out. Heâ€™s nothing but a deceitful hypocrite! Letâ€™s get rid of the FAKE!â€ť And thatâ€™s how the county finally disposed itself of one crooked sheriff. The PUKE of Hazzard County. Satire by Loren Adams â€˘ Fayetteville AR USA â€˘ December 7, 2003 Send comments to: LAdams727@aol.com The Puke of Hazzard County
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